years	B-DURATION
ago	I-DURATION
,	O
when	O
our	O
house	B-LOCATION
was	O
always	O
full	O
of	O
small	O
children	O
,	O
i	O
staggered	O
downstairs	O
with	O
a	O
couple	O
of	O
fellow	O
mothers	B-PERSONTYPE
after	O
a	O
chaotic	O
communal	O
bath	O
-	O
time	O
and	O
found	O
the	O
visiting	O
dads	B-PERSONTYPE
pouring	O
well	O
-	O
earned	O
drinks	B-PRODUCT
.	O

we	O
reported	O
that	O
,	O
just	O
before	O
we	O
battened	O
down	O
the	O
hatches	O
,	O
all	O
the	O
three	B-NUMBER
and	O
four	B-AGE
-	I-AGE
year	I-AGE
-	I-AGE
old	I-AGE
boys	O
had	O
been	O
snapping	O
at	O
their	O
pyjama	O
elastic	O
and	O
comparing	O
the	O
size	O
of	O
their	O
willies	O
.	O

the	O
mothers	B-PERSONTYPE
all	O
laughed	O
.	O

so	O
did	O
the	O
fathers	B-PERSONTYPE
,	O
for	O
a	O
brief	O
moment	O
,	O
but	O
then	O
,	O
in	O
chorus	O
,	O
they	O
ask	O
™	O
ed	O
:	O
`	O
um	O
...	O

and	O
whose	O
was	O
the	O
...	O

?	O
'	O
civilized	O
,	O
cultured	O
,	O
happily	O
married	O
men	O
,	O
not	O
a	O
porn	B-PERSONTYPE
-	I-PERSONTYPE
hound	I-PERSONTYPE
or	O
a	O
libertine	O
among	O
them	O
,	O
but	O
they	O
could	O
n	O
'	O
t	O
help	O
it	O
.	O

willy	O
-	O
worship	O
,	O
willy	O
-	O
pride	O
,	O
is	O
hard	O
-	O
wired	O
deep	O
in	O
the	O
male	O
brain	O
.	O

however	O
much	O
they	O
deny	O
it	O
,	O
men	O
do	O
seem	O
to	O
care	O
.	O

actors	B-PERSONTYPE
jonny	B-PERSONNAME
lee	I-PERSONNAME
miller	I-PERSONNAME
-	I-PERSONNAME
lrb	I-PERSONNAME
-	O
left	O
-	O
rrb	O
-	O
and	O
benedict	O
cumberbatch	O
-	O
lrb	O
-	O
right	O
-	O
rrb	O
-	O
were	O
subject	O
to	O
much	O
speculation	O
and	O
discussion	O
after	O
their	O
stark	O
-	O
naked	O
performances	O
as	O
frankenstein	O
a	B-DATE
few	I-DATE
years	I-DATE
ago	I-DATE
.	O

why	O
else	O
would	O
king	B-PERSONTYPE
'	O
s	O
college	B-LOCATION
london	B-GPE
have	O
bothered	O
to	O
trot	O
around	O
15	B-NUMBER
,	O
000	I-NUMBER
men	O
with	O
a	O
tape	O
measure	O
-	O
lrb	O
-	O
one	B-NUMBER
hopes	O
not	O
the	O
hard	O
,	O
cold	O
,	O
sharp	O
steel	O
sort	O
-	O
rrb	O
-	O
and	O
proudly	O
report	O
that	O
the	O
average	O
length	O
,	O
unstimulated	O
,	O
is	O
3	B-NUMBER
.	O

6	I-NUMBER
in	O
and	O
5	B-NUMBER
.	O

16	I-NUMBER
in	O
erect	O
.	O

i	O
do	O
admire	O
the	O
chaps	B-PERSONTYPE
'	O
willingness	O
to	O
collaborate	O
in	O
that	O
measurement	O
in	O
the	O
presence	O
of	O
a	O
researcher	B-PERSONTYPE
with	O
a	O
white	O
coat	O
and	O
a	O
ruler	B-PERSONTYPE
.	O

brrr	O
.	O

but	O
the	O
very	O
fact	O
that	O
15	B-AGE
,	O
000	I-NUMBER
men	O
were	O
happy	O
to	O
go	O
through	O
this	O
bizarre	O
academic	O
exercise	O
shows	O
that	O
they	O
mind	O
about	O
their	O
little	O
friends	B-PERSONTYPE
.	O

and	O
that	O
they	O
all	O
secretly	O
,	O
privately	O
hoped	O
that	O
their	O
willy	O
would	O
be	O
bigger	O
than	O
average	O
.	O

the	O
academics	B-PERSONTYPE
explain	O
that	O
it	O
'	O
s	O
all	O
about	O
`	O
using	O
the	O
graphs	O
to	O
examine	O
the	O
discrepancy	O
between	O
what	O
a	O
man	O
believes	O
to	O
be	O
their	O
position	O
on	O
the	O
graph	O
and	O
their	O
actual	O
position	O
'	O
,	O
and	O
that	O
it	O
will	O
be	O
very	O
helpful	O
to	O
worried	O
guys	O
with	O
body	O
dysmorphic	O
disorder	O
,	O
and	O
to	O
those	O
prone	O
to	O
ordering	O
the	O
wrong	O
size	O
of	O
prophylactic	O
online	O
.	O

so	O
,	O
do	O
n	O
'	O
t	O
tell	O
me	O
men	O
do	O
n	O
'	O
t	O
care	O
.	O

further	O
evidence	O
was	O
provided	O
when	O
some	O
of	O
us	O
managed	O
to	O
see	O
both	O
versions	O
of	O
the	O
astonishing	O
frankenstein	O
play	O
at	O
the	O
national	B-LOCATION
theatre	I-LOCATION
a	O
few	O
years	B-DURATION
ago	I-DURATION
,	O
in	O
which	O
on	O
alternate	O
nights	B-TIMERANGE
the	O
role	O
of	O
the	O
creature	O
,	O
stark	O
-	O
naked	O
during	O
a	O
long	O
opening	O
scene	O
,	O
was	O
taken	O
by	O
benedict	O
cumberbatch	O
and	O
jonny	B-PERSONNAME
lee	I-PERSONNAME
miller	I-PERSONNAME
.	O

conversations	O
between	O
the	O
male	O
viewers	B-PERSONTYPE
who	O
saw	O
both	O
were	O
predictable	O
,	O
centring	O
on	O
who	O
won	O
that	O
particular	O
contest	O
,	O
and	O
including	O
the	O
immortal	O
line	O
in	O
a	O
theatre	O
-	O
bar	O
argument	O
.	O

`	O
ah	O
yes	O
,	O
i	O
see	O
what	O
you	O
mean	O
,	O
but	O
is	O
it	O
a	O
show	O
-	O
er	O
or	O
a	O
grower	B-PERSONTYPE
?	O
'	O
we	O
women	O
edged	O
away	O
,	O
to	O
continue	O
our	O
serious	O
analysis	O
of	O
which	O
of	O
the	O
buff	O
actors	B-PERSONTYPE
made	O
the	O
most	O
alluring	O
and	O
convincing	O
monster	O
and	O
which	O
was	O
best	O
at	O
being	O
dr	O
frankenstein	O
.	O

libby	O
says	O
she	O
blames	O
author	B-PERSONTYPE
,	O
jilly	O
cooper	O
-	O
lrb	O
-	O
pictured	O
-	O
rrb	O
-	O
,	O
for	O
giving	O
men	O
the	O
impression	O
that	O
women	O
are	O
worried	O
about	O
size	O
.	O

though	O
to	O
be	O
fair	O
,	O
some	O
of	O
the	O
girls	O
were	O
admiring	O
the	O
surrounding	O
abs	O
,	O
pecs	O
,	O
and	O
glutes	O
.	O

we	O
do	O
like	O
a	O
man	O
who	O
looks	O
healthy	O
.	O

it	O
'	O
s	O
a	O
primitive	O
need	O
in	O
the	O
female	O
to	O
bond	O
with	O
a	O
man	O
who	O
is	O
going	O
to	O
be	O
able	O
to	O
take	O
the	O
bins	O
out	O
unaided	O
.	O

but	O
honestly	O
,	O
hand	O
on	O
heart	O
,	O
i	O
suspect	B-PERSONTYPE
that	O
very	O
few	O
of	O
us	O
during	O
early	O
courtship	O
--	O
or	O
afterwards	O
,	O
or	O
even	O
after	O
the	O
golden	B-EVENT
wedding	I-EVENT
--	O
are	O
particularly	O
worried	O
about	O
whether	O
we	O
are	O
getting	O
the	O
full	O
3	B-NUMBER
.	O

6	I-PERCENTAGE
in	O
average	O
.	O

the	O
idea	O
that	O
we	O
are	O
waiting	O
with	O
a	O
ruler	B-PERSONTYPE
and	O
a	O
scornful	O
frown	O
for	O
the	O
kecks	O
to	O
come	O
off	O
is	O
miles	B-DIMENSION
from	O
reality	O
.	O

i	O
blame	O
author	B-PERSONTYPE
jilly	O
cooper	O
for	O
giving	O
men	O
that	O
impression	O
,	O
with	O
all	O
her	O
crazed	O
descriptions	O
of	O
things	O
rearing	O
up	O
like	O
the	O
tower	O
of	O
pisa	O
,	O
or	O
space	O
shuttles	O
,	O
or	O
--	O
my	O
least	O
favourite	O
--	O
a	O
`	O
joyous	O
otter	O
'	O
.	O

i	O
suppose	O
the	O
trouble	O
is	O
that	O
writing	O
sex	O
scenes	O
you	O
have	O
few	O
choices	O
.	O

you	O
can	O
resort	O
to	O
heavy	O
innuendo	O
,	O
or	O
do	O
some	O
barbara	O
cartland	O
stuff	O
about	O
being	O
carried	O
away	O
to	O
heaven	O
on	O
wings	O
of	O
bliss	O
.	O

or	O
you	O
can	O
throw	O
in	O
the	O
towel	O
and	O
pretend	O
the	O
female	O
eye	O
will	O
only	O
be	O
delighted	O
by	O
the	O
spectacle	O
of	O
something	O
that	O
would	O
fit	O
neatly	O
into	O
the	O
london	B-GPE
or	O
manhattan	B-LOCATION
skyline	I-LOCATION
,	O
somewhere	O
between	O
centrepoint	O
and	O
the	O
gherkin	O
.	O

though	O
ideally	O
,	O
of	O
course	O
,	O
not	O
the	O
shard	O
.	O

the	O
porn	O
industry	O
is	O
obsessed	O
with	O
size	O
,	O
but	O
anyone	O
with	O
half	B-NUMBER
a	O
brain	O
and	O
heart	O
knows	O
porn	O
has	O
little	O
to	O
do	O
with	O
the	O
reality	O
of	O
lovemaking	O
.	O

most	O
of	O
us	O
have	O
never	O
cared	O
about	O
size	O
.	O

we	O
do	O
n	O
'	O
t	O
carry	O
on	O
like	O
the	O
fearsome	O
coven	O
on	O
tv	O
'	O
s	O
sex	O
and	O
the	O
city	O
,	O
shriekingly	O
comparing	O
notes	O
in	O
the	O
back	O
of	O
taxis	B-PRODUCT
or	O
skinny	O
-	O
muffin	O
cafes	O
.	O

it	O
is	O
worth	O
noting	O
,	O
without	O
comment	O
,	O
that	O
much	O
of	O
the	O
genius	O
behind	O
those	O
series	O
and	O
films	O
came	O
from	O
--	O
ahem	O
--	O
men	O
.	O

gay	B-PERSONTYPE
men	O
,	O
in	O
many	O
cases	O
.	O

out	O
here	O
in	O
the	O
real	O
world	O
,	O
that	O
is	O
not	O
the	O
way	O
women	O
carry	O
on	O
.	O

the	O
only	O
ones	O
i	O
'	O
ve	O
ever	O
known	O
talk	O
about	O
male	O
size	O
were	O
sad	O
,	O
angry	O
girls	O
,	O
unhappy	O
in	O
themselves	O
about	O
their	O
failure	O
to	O
bond	O
happily	O
with	O
any	O
of	O
the	O
possessors	B-PERSONTYPE
of	O
the	O
said	O
tackle	O
.	O

libby	O
is	O
keen	O
to	O
point	O
out	O
that	O
most	O
women	O
do	O
n	O
'	O
t	O
carry	O
on	O
like	O
the	O
women	O
in	O
sex	O
and	O
the	O
city	O
-	O
lrb	O
-	O
pictured	O
-	O
rrb	O
-	O
,	O
comparing	O
detailed	O
notes	O
on	O
the	O
men	O
they	O
know	O
.	O

what	O
we	O
like	O
is	O
much	O
harder	O
to	O
measure	O
.	O

i	O
know	O
a	O
lot	O
of	O
women	O
,	O
and	O
have	O
been	O
one	B-NUMBER
for	O
ages	O
,	O
and	O
it	O
'	O
s	O
simpler	O
than	O
you	O
think	O
.	O

we	O
like	O
hugs	O
,	O
we	O
like	O
tenderness	O
,	O
we	O
like	O
men	O
who	O
seem	O
-	O
lrb	O
-	O
often	O
bafflingly	O
-	O
rrb	O
-	O
to	O
be	O
delighted	O
and	O
aroused	O
by	O
the	O
very	O
sight	O
of	O
us	O
,	O
even	O
without	O
make	O
-	O
up	O
and	O
a	O
heavy	O
cold	O
.	O

we	O
really	O
like	O
to	O
be	O
laughed	O
into	O
bed	O
and	O
treated	O
with	O
affectionate	O
consideration	O
once	O
we	O
'	O
re	O
there	O
.	O

we	O
like	O
men	O
who	O
think	O
our	O
enjoyment	O
is	O
at	O
least	O
half	B-NUMBER
the	O
point	O
of	O
the	O
exercise	O
,	O
if	O
not	O
a	O
bit	B-DIMENSION
more	O
.	O

we	O
approve	O
of	O
chaps	B-PERSONTYPE
,	O
of	O
any	O
dimension	O
,	O
who	O
work	O
out	O
how	O
to	O
make	O
the	O
main	O
event	O
fun	O
all	O
round	O
.	O

we	O
like	O
men	O
who	O
chat	O
and	O
do	O
n	O
'	O
t	O
mind	O
being	O
rolled	O
over	O
when	O
they	O
snore	O
or	O
hauled	O
around	O
when	O
they	O
have	O
hogged	O
the	O
duvet	O
.	O

we	O
like	O
faithfulness	O
and	O
kindness	O
,	O
and	O
a	O
man	O
who	O
loves	O
to	O
cuddle	O
the	O
baby	O
even	O
when	O
it	O
'	O
s	O
leaking	O
a	O
bit	B-DIMENSION
.	O

and	O
we	O
really	O
like	O
it	O
when	O
they	O
grow	O
out	O
of	O
caring	O
about	O
the	O
3	B-NUMBER
.	O

6	I-NUMBER
in	O
,	O
or	O
expecting	O
it	O
to	O
be	O
worshipped	O
.	O
