What did one pirate say to the other when he beat him at chess?<>Checkmatey.
I burned 2000 calories today<>I left my food in the oven for too long.
I startled my next-door neighbor with my new electric power tool. <>I had to calm him down by saying “Don’t worry, this is just a drill!”
I broke my arm in two places. <>My doctor told me to stop going to those places.
I quit my job at the coffee shop the other day. <>It was just the same old grind over and over.
I never buy anything that has Velcro with it...<>it’s a total rip-off.
I used to work at a soft drink can crushing company...<>it was soda pressing.
I wondered why the frisbee kept on getting bigger. <>Then it hit me.
I was going to tell you a fighting joke...<>but I forgot the punch line.
What is the most groundbreaking invention of all time? <>The shovel.
I’m starting my new job at a restaurant next week. <>I can’t wait.
I visited a weight loss website...<>they told me I have to have cookies disabled.
Did you hear about the famous Italian chef that recently died? <>He pasta way.
Broken guitar for sale<>no strings attached.
I could never be a plumber<>it’s too hard watching your life’s work go down the drain.
I cut my finger slicing cheese the other day...<>but I think I may have grater problems than that.
What time did you go to the dentist yesterday?<>Tooth-hurty.
What kind of music do astronauts listen to?<>Neptunes.
Rest in peace, boiled water. <>You will be mist.
What is the only concert in the world that costs 45 cents? <>50 Cent, featuring Nickelback.
It’s not a dad bod<> it’s a father figure.
My wife recently went on a tropical food diet and now our house is full of this stuff. <>It’s enough to make a mango crazy.
What do you call Santa’s little helpers? <>Subordinate clauses.
Want to hear a construction joke? <>Sorry, I’m still working on it.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? <>One is extremely big and heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today in the oven, <>I should have cooked it on aloha temperature.
Anyone can be buried when they die<>but if you want to be cremated then you have to urn it.
Where did Captain Hook get his hook? <>From the second-hand store.
I am such a good singer that people always ask me to sing solo<>solo that they can’t hear me.
I am such a good singer that people ask me to sing tenor<>tenor twelve miles away.
Occasionally to relax I just like to tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.<> That’s just how I roll.
What did the glass of wine say to the glass of beer? Nothing. <>They barley knew each other.
I’ve never trusted stairs. <>They are always up to something.
Why did Shakespeare’s wife leave him? <>She got sick of all the drama.
I just bought a dictionary but all of the pages are blank. <>I have no words to describe how mad I am.
If you want to get a job at the moisturizer factory... <>you’re going to have to apply daily.
I don’t know what’s going to happen next year. <>It’s probably because I don’t have 2020 vision.
Want to hear a joke about going to the bathroom? <>Urine for a treat.
I couldn’t figure out how to use the seat belt. <>Then it just clicked.
I got an email the other day teaching me how to read maps backwards<>turns out it was just spam.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.<> It's impossible to put down!
You're American when you go into the bathroom, and you're American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you're in there?<> European.
Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France?<> They were cooked in Greece.
Want to hear a joke about a piece of paper? Never mind... <>it's tearable.
I just watched a documentary about beavers. <>It was the best dam show I ever saw!
If you see a robbery at an Apple Store what re you?<> An iWitness?
Spring is here! <>I got so excited I wet my plants!
What’s Forrest Gump’s password?<> 1forrest1
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? <>Because he was a little horse!
CASHIER: "Would you like the milk in a bag, sir?" <>DAD: "No, just leave it in the carton!’”
Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? <>They say he made a mint.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.<> I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?<> Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans!
How do you make a Kleenex dance? <>Put a little boogie in it!
A termite walks into a bar and asks<>"Is the bar tender here?"
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?<> He couldn't see himself doing it.
I used to have a job at a calendar factory <>but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, "First offender?" <>She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!”
How do you make holy water?<> You boil the hell out of it.
I had a dream that I was a muffler last night.<> I woke up exhausted!
Did you hear about the circus fire?<> It was in tents!
Don't trust atoms.<> They make up everything!
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? <>Ten-tickles.
I’m only familiar with 25 letters in the English language.<> I don’t know why.
Why did the cow in the pasture get promoted at work?<> Because he is OUT-STANDING in his field!
What do prisoners use to call each other?<> Cell phones.
Why couldn't the bike standup by itself? <>It was two tired.
Who was the fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table?<> Sir Cumference.
Did you see they made round bails of hay illegal in Wisconsin? <>It’s because the cows weren’t getting a square meal.
You know what the loudest pet you can get is?<> A trumpet.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?<> Frostbite.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?<> No idea!
Can February March? <>No, but April May!
What do you call a lonely cheese? <>Provolone.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?<> Because the pee is silent.
What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school?<> Bison.
What do you call someone with no body and no nose? <>Nobody knows.
You heard of that new band 1023MB? <>They're good but they haven't got a gig yet.
Why did the crab never share?<> Because he's shellfish.
How do you get a squirrel to like you? <>Act like a nut.
Why don't eggs tell jokes? <>They'd crack each other up.
Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? <>Because then it would be a foot.
Did you hear the rumor about butter? <>Well, I'm not going to spread it!
I made a pencil with two erasers. <>It was pointless.
I used to hate facial hair...<>but then it grew on me.
I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—<>it was just gathering dust!
I had a neck brace fitted years ago<> and I've never looked back since.
You know, people say they pick their nose,<> but I feel like I was just born with mine.
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?<> An irrelephant.
What do you get from a pampered cow? <>Spoiled milk.
It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad.<> It's a faux pa.
How do lawyers say goodbye? <>Sue ya later!
Wanna hear a joke about paper? <>Never mind—it's tearable.
What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? <>Live stream.
I could tell a joke about pizza,<> but it's a little cheesy.
When does a joke become a dad joke?<> When it becomes apparent.
What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? <>The space bar.
What did the shy pebble wish for?<>That she was a little boulder.
I'm tired of following my dreams. <>I'm just going to ask them where they are going and meet up with them later.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? <>He's all right now.
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road? <>Because he had no guts.
What did one nut say as he chased another nut? <> I'm a cashew!
Chances are if you' ve seen one shopping center...<> you've seen a mall.
I knew I shouldn't steal a mixer from work...<>but it was a whisk I was willing to take.
How come the stadium got hot after the game? <>Because all of the fans left.
Why was it called the dark ages? <>Because of all the knights.
Why did the tomato blush? <>Because it saw the salad dressing.
Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? <>She was a roman catholic.
What creature is smarter than a talking parrot? <>A spelling bee.
I'll tell you what often gets over looked...<> garden fences.
Why did the kid cross the playground? <>To get to the other slide.
Why do birds fly south for the winter?<> Because it's too far to walk.
What is a centipedes's favorite Beatle song? <> I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand...
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience. <>The second time let me down.
To be Frank...<> I'd have to change my name.
Slept like a log last night … <>woke up in the fireplace.
Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock? <>Because it's a little meteor.
How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?<> A Brazilian
I don't trust stairs.<> They're always up to something.
A police officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery.<> He charged one and let the other one off.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?<>I don't know and I don't care.
I went to a Foo Fighters Concert once... <>It was Everlong...
Some people eat light bulbs. <>They say it's a nice light snack.
What do you get hanging from Apple trees? <> Sore arms.
Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back.<> Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
I got a reversible jacket for Christmas,<> I can't wait to see how it turns out.
What did Romans use to cut pizza before the rolling cutter was invented? <>Lil Caesars
My pet mouse 'Elvis' died last night. <>He was caught in a trap..
Never take advice from electrons. <>They are always negative.
Why are oranges the smartest fruit? <>Because they are made to concentrate.
What did the beaver say to the tree? <>It's been nice gnawing you.
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?<> You use a pumpkin patch.
What did the late tomato say to the early tomato? <>I’ll ketch up
I have kleptomania...<>when it gets bad, I take something for it.
I used to be addicted to soap...<> but I'm clean now.
When is a door not a door?<> When it's ajar.
I made a belt out of watches once...<> It was a waist of time.
This furniture store keeps emailing me,<> all I wanted was one night stand!
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?<>  Look for fresh prints.
I just read a book about Stockholm syndrome.<> It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I liked it.
Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days? <>Dunno, they're just a bit shady.
If at first you don't succeed<> sky diving is not for you!
What kind of music do mummy's like?<>Rap
A book just fell on my head. <>I only have my shelf to blame.
What did the dog say to the two trees? <>Bark bark.
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time...<> are they guilty of resisting a rest?
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane?<> They mostly wrap.
What did the mountain climber name his son?<>Cliff.
Why should you never trust a pig with a secret?<> Because it's bound to squeal.
Why are mummys scared of vacation?<> They're afraid to unwind.
Whiteboards ...<> are remarkable.
What kind of dinosaur loves to sleep?<>A stega-snore-us.
What kind of tree fits in your hand?<> A palm tree!
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey<> but I turned myself around.
How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus?<> Ten-tickles!
What musical instrument is found in the bathroom?<> A tuba toothpaste.
My boss told me to attach two pieces of wood together... <>I totally nailed it!
What was the pumpkin’s favorite sport?<>Squash.
What do you call corn that joins the army?<> Kernel.
I've been trying to come up with a dad joke about momentum <>but I just can't seem to get it going.
Why don't sharks eat clowns? <> Because they taste funny.
Just read a few facts about frogs.<> They were ribbiting.
Why didn’t the melons get married?<>Because they cantaloupe.
What’s a computer’s favorite snack?<>Microchips!
Why was the robot so tired after his road trip?<>He had a hard drive.
Why did the computer have no money left?<>Someone cleaned out its cache!
I'm not anti-social. <>I'm just not user friendly.
Why did the computer get cold?<>Because it forgot to close windows.
What is an astronaut's favorite key on a keyboard?<>The space bar!
What's the difference between a computer salesman and a used-car salesman?<>The used-car salesman KNOWS when he's lying.
If at first you don't succeed...<> call it version 1.0
Why did Microsoft PowerPoint cross the road?<>To get to the other slide!
What did the computer do at lunchtime?<>Had a byte!
Why did the computer keep sneezing?<>It had a virus!
What did one toilet say to the other?<>You look a bit flushed.
Why did the picture go to jail?<>Because it was framed.
What did one wall say to the other wall?<>I'll meet you at the corner.
What do you call a boy named Lee that no one talks to?<>Lonely
Why do bicycles fall over?<>Because they are two-tired!
Why was the broom late?<>It over swept!
What part of the car is the laziest?<>The wheels, because they are always tired!
What's the difference between a TV and a newspaper?<>Ever tried swatting a fly with a TV?
What did one elevator say to the other elevator?<>I think I'm coming down with something!
Why was the belt arrested?<>Because it held up some pants!
What makes the calendar seem so popular?<>Because it has a lot of dates!
Why did Mickey Mouse take a trip into space?He wanted to find Pluto!
Why do you go to bed every night?<>Because the bed won't come to you!
What has four wheels and flies?<>A garbage truck!
Why did the robber take a bath before he stole from the bank?<>He wanted to make a clean get away!
Just watched a documentary about beavers.<>It was the best damn program I’ve ever seen.
Slept like a log last night<>woke up in the fireplace.
Why did the scarecrow win an award?<>Because he was outstanding in his field.
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? <>Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? <>About 5000 miles
Why did the coffee file a police report? <>It got mugged.
What did the grape do when he got stepped on? <>He let out a little wine.
How many apples grow on a tree? <>All of them.
What name do you give a person with a rubber toe? <>Roberto
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? <>It’s fine, he woke up.
Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water? <>Because if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat.
How does a penguin build it’s house? <>Igloos it together.
What do you call a man with a rubber toe?<>Roberto
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?<>Great food, no atmosphere.
Why was the belt sent to jail?<>For holding up a pair of pants!
Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water?<>He had a very esteemed colleague.
What happens when a frogs car dies?<>He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad.
What did the flowers do when the bride walked down the aisle?<>They rose.
Why did the man fall down the well?<>Because he couldn’t see that well.
My boss told me to have a good day...<>...so I went home.
How can you tell it’s a dogwood tree?<>By the bark.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?<>It’s fine, he woke up.
Why is Peter Pan always flying?<>Because he Neverlands.
Which state has the most streets?<>Rhode Island.
What do you call 26 letters that went for a swim?<>Alphawetical.
Why was the color green notoriously single?<>It was always so jaded.
Why did the coach go to the bank?<>To get his quarterback.
How do celebrities stay cool?<>They have many fans.
What's the most depressing day of the week?<>sadder day.
Dogs can’t operate MRI machines<>But catscan.
I was going to tell a time-traveling joke<>but you guys didn’t like it.
Stop looking for the perfect match<>instead look for a lighter.
I told my doctor I heard buzzing<>but he said it’s just a bug going around.
What kind of car does a sheep like to drive?<>A lamborghini.
What did the accountant say while auditing a document?<>This is taxing.
What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day?<>It was loaf at first sight.
Why do melons have weddings?<>Because they cantaloupe.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?<>Anna One, Anna Two!
What do you call a toothless bear?<> A gummy bear!
Two goldfish are in a tank. <>One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
What’s Forrest Gump’s password?<>1forrest1
What is a child guilty of if they refuse to nap?<> Resisting a rest.
I know a lot of jokes about retired people<>but none of them work.
Why are spiders so smart?<>They can find everything on the web.
What has one head, one foot, and four legs?<> A bed.
What does a house wear?<> Address.
What’s red and smells like blue paint?<>Red paint.
My son asked me to put his shoes on<> but I don’t think they’ll fit me.
I’ve been bored recently, so I decided to take up fencing.<> The neighbors keep demanding that I put it back.
What do you call an unpredictable camera?<>A loose Canon.
Which U.S. state is known for its especially small soft drinks?<>Minnesota.
What do sprinters eat before a race?<> Nothing—they fast.
I’m so good at sleeping...<>I can do it with my eyes closed.
People are usually shocked that I have a Police record.<>But I love their greatest hits!
I told my girlfriend she drew on her eyebrows too high.<> She seemed surprised.
What do you call a fibbing cat?<> A lion.
Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil?<> Because it’s pointless.
I like telling Dad jokes…<>sometimes he laughs.
How do you weigh a millennial?<> In Instagrams.
The wedding was so beautiful<>even the cake was in tiers.
What’s the most patriotic sport?<> Flag football.